As some of you may have noticed, for the past couple of months I've been carrying around a little composition notebook in my back pocket. I use it to write down funny or interesting things that I hear. Well, last night, to kick off summer the right way, I jumped into a pool and, in doing so, I forgot to take the notebook out of my back pocket. So, Notebook #1 is ruined and I need to transcribe it here before i can pick up a new notebook.
Here we go:
(Page 1)
Gnome Home
I knew You was A Slewhog.
What about the 6,000,000 Jews? ...Look, don't ever let anyone from Austria push you around.
(Page 2)
Webmaster = Internet Relations
She shows up at 4 in the morning with a bottle of vodka & Shows me her nipples and then thinks I'm weird because I wanna have sex
"Scrutinty"
(Page 3)
Dawson's Creek Fan-Fiction Show on WEGL 91
"...As Dawson raped her, he couldn't help but feel a warm sense of regret come over him"
I've Been wearing this Shirt all day and I'm Strangely Aware of my nipples
(Pages 4-8)
Conor put on yr. Bird Suit Heres one for your Bro Conor put on yr birdsuit it's time to play the bird game Sunday Morning Afternoon Whatever works for you When I put on my bearsuit Its time to play the birdgame
I'll stalk you in the attic I'll chase you through the halls You can't possibly hide from me Its time to play the bird game
I've taken all your keys away And I have locked up all the doors No ones playing w/toys today It's time to play the birdgame
Do you remember Uncle Rodney He was always so good to you He took you to Walt Disney World and then you played the birdgame
Uncle Rodney used to be a happy birthday clown but someone stole his pantaloons now he plays the bird game
oh, and by the way
Uncle Rodney came today Hes hiding in the house Hes cooked us up a feast of shrimp Its time to play the bird game
Rodney's got his gurdle on freshly rubbed with grease He'll squeeze thru any hole for you he's ready to play The bird game
He's got his silver knickers on he's high on PCP He's sleeping in yr bed tonight it's time to play the bird game
So drink the poison lemonade it what good for you feel the tingle when it go down Its time to play the bird game
The game is over your feathers are wet and now you're in your place The floor is slippery the air is moist You've just played the bird game
Jaunty DAG
Pearl Jam Em Am G C
(Page 9)
"I've been there, I've been the fifth wheel... I've been the third wheel...I've even been the second wheel on a unicycle"-McKelly
The Benevolent Slum LORD
Grocerystore: 5 or 6 year old Kid's tshirt says "Waste Me"
(Page 10)
What is it About Me That You Can't Teach?
"It's OK, I sniffed it out earlier and it smelled like cola... okay that made me sound like a total boozehound"
-Blicker After Drinking Mystery Liquid
The solution was Your problem All Along man. -Ryder
(Page 11)
The Never Ending Struggle Between Man & Frisbee beings again today.
I wish I had 20 different costumes right now.
"The women's feet are shorter so they can get closer to the sink" -Brother Micah
Ellen Page: She's kinda cute with certain Haircuts
(Page 12)
Black Cobra Shakes Down A Genie
Wouldn't it be awesome if we had a bunch of robots and they were free?
Sergeant Sanguine & The Bloody Nipples
(Page 13)
Our super psychological shit, I'm telling you
Is it weird to wash your hands with Shaving Cream?
Bad Butter... Smell the Butter
You owe every man a ride
Natalie Portman stops the Holocaust
(Page 14)
I'm not pissing man, I'm thinking
You know what I'm worried about. I'm worried that I have a bruise.
Why is Adam asking for Grease & a phone book?
Sleepless in Seattle: You got The Hanks You got The Ryan You got all you need Forget About It!
(Page 15)
"Beer is Hope"
My Grandfather used to call getting an erection getting lead in your pencil
I don't think I've ever discussed erections with my Grandfather
You Know What I'm Doin'? L.O.T.D. Baby Livin' the Dream
This morning at around 2:20 AM I went to Brand-X Pizza to pick up some food I had called in and ordered. The incident that followed saw a wave of misanthropy wash over me. The song "Political Science" by Randy Newman, and more specifically the line "let's drop the big one now," began playing in my mind.
Literally the second I opened the door the very first thing I heard was the following:
"You know who ought to be ashamed?!? You know who should be ashamed?!? The God-damned Democratic voters in this country!"
The guy who said it, nay yelled it, was standing in one corner of the store surrounded by his friends who were similarly clad in North Face and Mountain Hardware fleece jackets. He was rocking a high 'n' tight haircut which, last time I checked, isn't really in fashion with anyone except the guy next door who collects Nazi memorabilia and eventually shoots your dad in the head because he's a closeted homosexual. Therefore, I figured he was most likely in the military. This was later confirmed when he mentioned something about going to Dubai, but I digress.
When I saw the crowd, I dropped my eyes immediately. Given the fact that I've voted straight Democrat in two elections, this wasn't a good scene for me being jammed in a 10'X5' space with what I'll describe as a pack of drunken, racist, frat boy, conservatives if you'll pardon the redundancies.
When I got inside, I heard one of them say in a very slow and slurred tone "hey Big Momma". When I looked up, I realized that this dude worked at Momma Goldberg's, and The Big Momma is my sandwich, so... we were very distantly acquainted. This guy fit the other stereotype of a drunken frat kid with a silver spoon up his ass. Where as the first guy was certainly drunk, anger seemed to clear his mind and make him relatively well-spoken in short bursts. The other guy had turned into a drunken Truman Capote. The alcohol had softened and stretched his voice out and made him very touchy/feely on his bros. Despite this, you'd still get the impression that he'd be down for committing date rape at any point if the opportunity presented itself.
While making the aforementioned observations, The Army Man had started up again with the yelling.
"Fuck the hippies, fuck the environmentalists. I say we cut down all of the trees and make paper out of them and then burn it. You know what PETA is?!?"
Then his friend said "You're on a roll tonight, Lyle"
Lyle: "Fuck the hippies"
In another corner of the room, there was a guy who looked as if he smoked weed and played soccer both on a fairly regular basis, but not a "hippie" by any means. Lyle asked him, "Are you a hippie?!?" Before I could hear his answer, I noticed that Truman Capote was staring at me. When I looked at him, he said, slowly as ever, "Big Momma." I turned away just in time to hear Lyle, the guy who doesn't know where oxygen comes from, start up again:
"Fuck the hippies, fuck the terrorists. Seriously, what goes through your mind when you strap a bomb to yourself and think 'Today I'm going to defeat the U.S. Military,' what goes through your mind? What goes through your mind?!? A FUCKING MORTAR! That's what goes through your mind!"
At this point Lyle looked right at me, he was looking for an "Amen, brother" I suppose. Instead, I looked at the floor again, grinning to myself and waiting for what was next.
"I hate gay people! Fuck the faggots! I hate gay people. Do you know what they do? They stick their dicks in another man's butthole..."
What happened next in this sequence of events was incredible. Immediately, I mean without any pause, the very next thing out of his mouth after the word "butthole" was:
"...Can you do the flop?"
He then began doing "the flop" which, when performed in a very small room full of dudes, or anywhere for that matter, is the gayest thing I've ever witnessed live. For those of you that are unfamiliar with "the flop" as I was just 24 short hours ago, let me ruin your innocence with this instructional video:
So, now you know what I mean. He did that in front of everyone immediately after saying that he hated gay people, he tried to impress the men in the room with the squishy rattling of his genitalia. No need to check his straight card at the door.
Despite Lyle's act of kindness in the form of a traditional Buckhead, Georgia scrotum rattling, things were pretty tense in there for me. My food was still not ready and I was just kind of stuck there listening to this asshole, still being stared at by Capote who was making a steady and slurred commentary on the fact that I get my sandwiches without mayonnaise and tomatoes at Momma Goldberg's.
It was at this point that a young lady entered the store. She was smashed too; a barwhore with thick makeup, pumps, and a green dress. Her right leg crossed the threshold without incident, but her left was not so lucky. Her heel got caught somewhere along the way, and she fell forward past me and into the crowd next to me including Lyle and Truman. When she came back up, she asked people if they'd already ordered. When she got to me, I told her that I had not been served yet and since I had a call-in order, she would be behind me in line. This did not make sense to her. She said, "Why didn't you say that when... I asked before and you said that you had already ordered." Instead of telling her that she hadn't asked me, and that she was a rude, over-privileged, drunk, cunt that needed to be run over by a car, I just reached over her head while she was still talking at me, handed the lady $15 bucks and grabbed my food. Over the cries of "She's hotter than you, bro! Let her go first." I left as quickly as possible.
At Mellow Mushroom last Saturday night I was fucked over into closing after one of my coworkers didn't show up. I think someone in his family died, but still, it sucked.
So, at about 10:30 PM, theoretically my last run before closing, I took an order to The Small Animal Clinic at Auburn University.
Before I go any further, I should first say that I hate these fucking people. These are the assholes who call five minutes before we close and order tons of food on five or six different tickets. Most of the time at least four of the orders will be on different credit cards. One time we fucked up one of these peoples' orders by accidentally putting lettuce on a sandwich. I unknowingly delivered the tainted food and then drove all the way back to the store. Literally, the second I walked back in the door of Mellow Mushroom the phone rang and it was The Small Animal Clinic. The girl who received the sandwich in question told me that "me and lettuce don't get along". When I informed her that lettuce has no taste to it and she could just pick it off, she refused and we had to run another sandwich out to this bitch about twenty minutes after we were supposed to be closed. So, anyway, there's a history.
I got to The Small Animal Clinic and went to the door. It was locked, but before I could think to knock, a puffy-eyed girl appeared from an adjacent corridor and opened the door for me. When I got inside I saw a guy who was maybe two years my senior wearing scrubs and a Mississippi State University hat and coming down the hall. I greeted him, and he asked who the food was for. I told him, he paged the person who'd ordered the food, and walked past me and into the waiting room from which crygirl had appeared to let me in.
I put the food boxes down on the counter at the receptionist's desk and waited for the douchenozzles who'd ordered the food. In the room next to the door there were eight people sitting around crying and I stood there for a full ten minutes while the doctor (the guy in the MSU hat) explained to them that their dog had been hit by a car, all of its limbs were broken, and it was bleeding internally. He told them that the dog would not live for more than 24 hours and that they had the option of euthanasia. As soon as he told them this, the waterworks really came. At this point I was thinking, "Jesus, eight people is a little excessive for a dog wake... four people maybe, but no more than six."
As I was standing around watching these people weep and hug each other, I was growing increasingly more anxious to get the fuck out of there. Then, one of them looked at me. I had to think of something to say so I decided to lighten the mood a little bit in the most awkward way imaginable. With this woman full of sadness staring at me I said "Gee, this is the most depressing pizza delivery of my life". She buried her head in this other guy's shoulder and began crying even harder. Blessedly, a full ten minutes after they were called, the fucking assholes who ordered the food in the first place came around the corner and after the food cash exchange I left.
Jesus, it's been a really long time. It's been even longer since I've had a non-leaked-CD-related post, so I hope this one will be worth your time.
I've been getting behind on posting pictures on this blog and have instead been using Facebook which is such a shortcut, really. Sorry about that. I've got no classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I'm designating those as my blog days. I'm going to try and post at least twice a week from now until I get lazy again, so be on the lookout for some zany shit.
WEGL Stuff
Holy shit! The radio station has been getting better all the time since the beginning of the semester. We've got so many new folks on board with the WEGL it's unbelievable. The only bad thing is that of these new people there are a few folks that play really bad music like Against Me! and shit like that. The good news is that of this same group we have TWO big band/swing shows, plenty of classic rock shows, Kevin's show, Mosman's show, all the regulars are still there more-or-less, and "The EZ D & A.O.B. Show" which is fucking great.
Here's the next big thing and if you like the idea you are more-than-welcomed to participate:
Since the beginning of the summer I have become addicted to conservative talk radio. I can't help myself, I have to scratch that fuckin' itch each and every day. It started back in June when I was coming back from dropping the folks off at the Atlanta Airport. On the way home, I ran out of FM signal in Atlanta, so just for the fun of it I switched to AM and began scanning. That's when I found Rush. I had never listened to Rush Limbaugh before, so I thought "this'll be funny" and listened to the whole fuckin' show without even realizing it. Never in my life had I been so filled with such a profound sense of righteous indignation. This wasn't just regular righteous indignation, no, it was sustained. Next up after Rush was Sean Hannity, and, same thing, just constantly pissed-off for hours on end. It's a hurts-so-good kinda deal.
Rush and Sean were bad enough, but then I found Michael Savage. Holy shit, if you've never listened to Savage before, I urge you to do so. The show airs on NewsTalk 1400 WANI on AM and they simulcast WANI on FM in Auburn at 98.7 FM. Savage is on from 7-10 PM Monday through Friday. This guy is just constantly pissed and depressed and homophobic and self-conscious and racist and dumb all at the same time. It's fantastic. The thing that I've learned from listening to all of this is that these people have no script, no talking points, nothing. They simply sit down, cut on the mics, and go for three hours and in those three hours crazy stupid shit comes out of their mouths and it's glorious.
I couldn't explain my love for Conservative talk radio or justify it in any way. That is, until last Wednesday. Mosman and I have come up with the next big thing for WEGL 91.1 FM.
The Conservative Talk Radio Show
I'd love to make this happen. I'd love to write out a script for this, get my Limbaugh impression down, and then spend an hour or so blaming things that are beyond anyone's control (wildfires, hurricanes, celebrity deaths, etc.) on Hillary Clinton. We'd use Rush's phrases like "the drive-by's" (which is the shorthand version of "the drive-by media") and Michael's phrases like "the gay fascists" oh, glory, this will be fun. The best part is that since we're doing extreme conservative stereotypes, we can do extreme liberal stereotypes too.We need a guy who's milking the welfare state to call in, we need a guy who is a Unitarian and works at Planned Parenthood and every once in awhile will stop in mid-conversation and say "You'll have to excuse me, my glasses are fogging up". With this premise, the limits are none.
For those who don't know, I've been adding a lot of content to Wikipedia, mainly photos of stuff I have handy. Here are all the articles with my pictures on them:
